| my codec frequency is blah blah blah... |
[05 Apr 2004|03:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 groggy |
] |
you know, i've been home for a over a week now - kinder eggs distributed, import singles raided, the mesh shirt i bought at that boutique i like and visit twice a year liberated to the depths of someone's room. i've been back to the gym, back in the studio, back in the kitchen (funny how though i haven't really seen anyone else food keeps disappearing from the fridge), and it's good to be back, even though stress levels in this place would tear the needle off of any scale...
so why now with the cold? it's the extra souvenir i didn't check through customs, i guess.
the trip was fine enough. things as they usually are. family, ne?
i shopped, got a few lectures on how i'm wasting my life, ate enough fresh bread and little sticky pastries from various shops to wake dr atkins from the dead and cause him to walk forth in wrath - and oh yeah, i saw dawn of the dead. twice. it was awesome.
i went to the family doctor for a check-up, and got all the right green lights. my old friend marta cut my hair and asked me tons of questions about ll - no accounting for taste with these dutch chicks, ne? ;)
i passed go, collected my allowance, and - somewhere between berlin and tokyo - picked up this damn cold.
i'm sick of laying here miserably in my room, i think i'll go do it on the couch instead, maybe play a little twin snakes and see if picking-off guards makes me feel any better.
it's windy today, i can hear it rushing around the outside of the building - i don't want to walk down to the store for more juice.
|
|
| relativity. |
[17 Mar 2004|10:24am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 restless |
] |
(secured/houseold access only)
okay so i've pulled together enough mix dats and copies of studio stuff we've been hashing over to last me an entire week of the silent and not-so-silent disapproval treatment. i've packed my one carry on bag and my one bag to check through to amsterdam and no one else has touched them or asked me to carry any mysterious packages.
i have the little notebook that fits in the inside pocket of my jacket, my passport, my e-ticket confirnation number, and enough cash on me to keep myself in bloody marys unitl i catch my layover in berlin.
i'm thrilled. obviously.
but hey, it's family right? and you do what you have to do. and you also sweeten the deal by leaving room in your one bag to be checked through to amsterdam for plenty of bootleg ripped cds from that store downtown you know is still there cos you called them just to check.
i hope my bike is still in the car park - i'd like to take an early ride along the canal path and maybe stop to share some fresh bread with the ducks.
and maybe when i get back i'll have a song or two, ne?
right now i'm just hungry.
|
|
| i never meant... |
[08 Sep 2003|11:07am] |
|
(secured post)
things are happening, ne?
well, they happen all the time, but sometimes more than others.
you know when you know you've mishandled something and it's going to come back and bite you on the ass? and you try to ignore it because you're happy and you want to stay that way but it's always at the back of your mind?
i should've told him straight out, that day at lunch. but he was so depressed and why is it that whenever i don't know what to do, i do the wrong thing?
jl would tell me that beating myself up isn't the answer. i suppose he's right, but i feel like i should maybe suffer a little, ne? i know jj has.
would it have made it worse right then but better later on if i had just told him, j, i've been sleeping with jesse. i should've said somthing before. not 'cause he's, like, my proprerty or something, but because i kind of knew how you felt?
okay, so i more than kind of knew. i sat on my own feelings for a while, waiting. i felt for j, i mean he's my best friend, but i felt for myself, too. but if it's so natural, why do i feel so selfish?
does it matter that i didn't try to make it happen? does it matter more that i wanted it to?
jesse would tell me that this is foolish, that i should talk honestly with j and that with good intentions it'll work out. i hope he's right.
i know that jesse wants to talk (really talk ;), about jj and what happened; not because of us (god knows it's not an issue for me), but because of j.
i want to do the right thing before we can agree that i should.
why do i feel that the more people who try to care for jj, the more he'll be hurt?
why do i talk to myself in this journal like questioning is going to acomplish something?
maybe because words are easier here.
god, i'm so hungry...
|
|
| *boggles* |
[21 Aug 2003|09:52am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
groggy |
] |
| My LiveJournal Sitcom |
|---|
| alteredbat's House (TNN, 3:00): alteredbat (Clint Eastwood) dances with lollibat(Mikhail Baryshnikov). That night, twisteaux(John de Lancie) eats loverbat (Roberto Benigni)'s raspberry cheesecake. (Closed captioned.) | | What's Your LiveJournal Sitcom? (by rfreebern) |
clint eastwood?
would it be wrong to have raspberry cheesecake for breakfast?
is it still too early for me to be up?
*g*
|
|
| a - list, play - list... |
[18 Aug 2003|08:34am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 happy |
] |
if everyone knew that gigging was this much fun, the whole world would want to be in a band. seriously!
okay, so we didn't win. but we looked like we knew what we were doing, we had mad fan support, and we blew the local competition off the stage - what the hell! we fucking f0ck!
man, i'm never gonna forget this trip; jj taking all the blankets and laughing about it, jl drunk and stripping down to his boxers in front of everyone, twist asleep in the bathtub and looking like someone fucked him hard up against the side of an ice machine, and ll venturing into enemy territory and coming back looking smug and smelling like a vodka distillery...
and those are just random highlights. i love you guys. seriously.
i was thinking, wouldn't it be cool to do something for our fans? i mean, i know we already make music, but i mean like something we can give away at signings or shows, maybe like a little booklet with photos or a souvenir pin? i dunno, it's just that they're so amazing, our fan turnout at the show was so beyond! hell, they throw enough panties and business cards and room keys, we could throw back something else besides kisses, ne? ;) maybe we could talk to management about it...
man, i've got so much shit to do, laundry and lyrics and clean up my room and i probably should go work out, especially after this weekend, but i just want to go back to bed!
i'm still on cloud nine, though, you know? and i can't see that changing any time soon. *g*
later.
|
|
| crimson. right... |
[28 Jul 2003|12:32am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 distressed |
] |
godammit.
this is so not the red that was on the box.
or maybe i didn't bleach it enough first... all i know is, this is not the red i wanted and i don't even know it's name or how to fix or avoid it because i don't read japanese.
too light. kind of... pinkish. which is fine for j and yeah it looks great on him, but not for me. definitly not.
so, um, i'll just go back to hiding in the bathroom, now.
and j, if you see this, come and help me read this box? or fix this? please?
i'm begging, here.
knock twice so i'll know it's you.
(and twist, don't even think about it. seriously.)
|
|
| c'est la guerre... |
[09 Jul 2003|01:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
claustrophobic |
] |
(secured post)
i should be happy for him, i know.
after all, it only matters that he's safe, right?
it doesn't matter how, or that i tried and failed. miserably.
i need some time. time to get this sorted so i can be the friend j is used to having, the friend i want to be.
that's it. i don't want to talk about it.
i think i'll take a walk. maybe when i come home i'll feel like making j dinner and apologizing for being a jerk.
i hope so.
this was what i wanted for him. wasn't it?
|
|
| alert... |
[08 Jul 2003|01:39am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 exhausted |
] |
i feel like i ran the fucking minute mile.
well i sort of did. and it should be funnier as soon as i recover, ne?
seriously! j and i went for lunch and just to get out... it all ended in escape from koga mountain. *shudders*
a portion of our fanbase throws panties. okay, so maybe you are all used to this, but i'm in the back, safe behind my drum kit - out of firing range!
but...
i mean if you have to have things thrown at you, panties are far from the worst option, right?
and if you have to run, at least it's from girls screaming that they want keep you as a pet/tear your clothes off/etc., right?
okay, so it wasn't all that bad. *g* still tired though. and my ears are still ringing. bah.
we so came home and crashed.
does this count as morning? guess not.
thank god j knows this town so well.
without him, i'd probably be in a koga trophy case!
needless to say, i'll be making lunch tomorrow. ;)
(locked edit)(secure)
j seems distant lately, which is why i asked him to lunch, wanted to show him a good time, you know? but i managed to say the wrong thing at one point, as usual.
why is it that having j pissed @ me ranks up there as one of the worst feelings in the world?
i wonder if he really wants to do that bet?
and i wonder how transparent i am that he can look at me like that and ask if i have a "thing" for jl.
is that how i feel? is it a "thing", could it ever be?
so is it any surpirse i didn't have an answer for j?
the look on his face makes me wonder, though, if i asked the same thing of him, what he'd say...
i wonder too much. less talking, more action, ne?
bed.
|
|
| still... |
[05 Jul 2003|03:24am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 indescribable |
] |
(secured post)
i just can't. i can't go up there.
even though he might need me. even though i might need to be there as much as he needs me to be.
but he doesn't need me. i'm not the one he wants.
it hurts to be second choice. or third. or keep counting.
and i don't want it like that. is it so much to ask to be first with someone who matters, not with just any namless fuck, but with someone who knows me?
or maybe there's nothing much to know... i'm not complicated, i show too much of myself somehow.
it hurts. when i think like this.
so i try to think of the park instead. of being first, in that moment. jessie looking and seeing only me, wanting me. just me, lucas.
and i feel chosen.
i miss j. but not enough to miss him in the same room, the same bed...
i can't.
|
|
| behind the music... |
[30 Jun 2003|02:06am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
okay, swear you won't laugh. not like you won't do it anyhow, ne? but i was going through some papers and found my school yearbook portrait from when i was like, fifteen.
i can't get over how clean cut i look. nice hair, lucas!
god, sometimes i wonder how i got here from there.
|
|
| train lag and lyrics... |
[27 Jun 2003|01:11am] |
|
man, it's good to be home. my bed, my kitchen, my bathroom, my car, my friends, my everything. okay, so i'm exhausted, but i'd rather be exhausted here than in some hotel room.
i had family business stuff i just couldn't get out of, ne? so a train to tokyo and back, a few conversations, a few dinners, and back here. *kisses the not moving ground*
go home late night-before last, no one was up or here or available (jesus l, pad your headboard or something ;), so i crashed. sighted jj yesterday afternoon, hung out and then went for sushi.
this brings us to right now, where once again everyone is asleep or out or practicing their hobbies... and i am wide awake.
too hot to sleep anyway.
the building super says the air will be fixed monday, do we not have any leverage with him? i'm ready to fill the tub with ice cubes. seriously. i hate sticking to my sheets.
bandwise, i haven't been a complete slacker. twist is right, though, i need to get back into the habit of writing, we all do. here's my latest:
( the kiss )
if you're as bored as i am, my door is open.
maybe i'll go down and watch a movie...
ah, to be home.
|
|
| writer's block... |
[10 Jun 2003|01:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
contemplative |
] |
been working on one set of lyrics for three days now. what's wrong with me? good ideas, but no words for them...
the house feels empty. summer hesitates.
when i was at school i used to look forward to summer holiday, even though i knew that i'd get home and nothing would've changed. rooms after room always the same, and in the garden, stillness. i wished he would let it grow wild. that, or tend it himself, not hire other hands to come in and make it neat and presentable and utterly empty.
the little fountain in the center yard was my place. the sound of the water over the stones... i sifted through them, choosing carefully, set them on the lip of the pool to dry in the sun, they glowed with color.
there was my time, and my order, and because i couldn't please anyone else, i never took them for granted, those small things.
i won't bother to lock this. no one will see it anyhow.
no one is home.
|
|
|
[28 May 2003|04:53pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 worried |
] |
(secured post)
where is he... i haven't seen him days now.
i can't think of a reason why he'd stay away so long. well, i can, but i don't want to.
when did i start thinking about j that way... i don't know.
i would go to jl, ask for his help, actual help this time... but i only made it worse for him before, dumping things in his lap.
and i broke j's trust.
he'll be angry with me for it, but i have to find him.
if only i knew where to start...
|
|
| *jingles* |
[24 May 2003|12:16pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 awake |
] |
hmm. well, i did have a few takers on dinner, but watching certain people pick at their food, certain people eat like they haven't seen food in a year, and certain people run into the kitchen, twitch, and run out again, (not to mention certain people now appearing on a milk carton near you) doesn't really do it for me... so i'll give you guys another shot sometime. ;)
i went shopping after supper, since nothing was really happening, got a new toy - black rubber posture collar with three harness rings and a locking lead closure, good quality. thinking back, i passed on this red number with spikes all around... maybe i'll go back today and pick it up.
grey saturday. i'm bored.
twist? wanna come with me to the shops? get some lunch? whatever?
knock on my door. i'll be in the shower.
|
|
| i still have no clue what the matrix is... |
[22 May 2003|01:12am] |
|
man, i'm exhausted.
spending most of any day with twist will do that to you. not that i'm complaining, twist, 'cause you know i had an awesome time.
we should totally go to the movies more often, ne? ;)
in other news...
i can't find j anywhere. has anyone seen him? hello, is this thing on?
to make up for not cooking very much lately, tomorrow i will make one of each of your favorite things for supper, counting me (singapore style rice noodle), that's five dishes total. get your votes in early. i mean it. ^^
also, matrix reloaded rocks. if anyone hasn't seen it and wants to go, i'll totally go with you. seriously!
alright. i've run out of spam. later.
|
|
| monday. wonderful. |
[19 May 2003|07:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
ah.
someone tell me why twenty-two feels so much older than it is...
it's some time in the evening i guess, and i've hardly been out of bed all day. when did the weekend get so long? like one endless night.
i had good intentions to go work on my set, get to the gym, whatever, but everytime i thought of leaving my room, it just didn't seem worth it, ne?
i think i can at least follow through on breakfast. i'll be in the kitchen if anyone else is hungry and interested.
|
|
|
[11 May 2003|12:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blank |
] |
(secured post)
i just can't handle this on my own. i thought i could, i tried to be there for him, but i couldn't protect him.
so tired. i can't sleep from thinking about it...
i don't want to, but i can't stop.
and he won't talk to me, not really. when he's high and wants to be touched, i'm good enough, but not to trust me to help him beyond that. i've given him everything he'll take from me.
tomorrow i'll go and talk to jl. even if j hates me, never forgives me, i have to do this for him.
tomorrow. or maybe the next day...
|
|
|
[05 May 2003|09:52am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 stressed |
] |
(secured post)
j seems a little better today. well, he was better yesterday, too, but that was really down to l's birthday and having enough candy on hand, for the moment.
i don't know what to do.
i could talk to jl, but he's got so much to deal with already... and l, well, i'm not sure if that's the answer either. as for twist, i love him, god knows, we all do, but...
j did an awful lot of talking when he was coming down, said a lot he doesn't remember, i'm sure. but he will remember. and what will happen when he needs more candy?
i guess for now all i can do is try to keep up with him.
he's a good kid, and smarter than me, but not while he's high.
i won't let him get hurt again.
|
|
|
[04 May 2003|02:00am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
indescribable |
] |
(secured post)
i never really hated someone before. funny that it's someone i don't even know.
how could you... i can't even think about it.
when i find you, it's going to take a lot for me not to kill you. i know wanting to hurt you is a sin, but i don't care.
i need to talk to someone about this. and not a priest, either, but someone who can really help me...
i don't even hate my father.
but i hate you.
|
|
| i like the mecha, but i can't follow the plot... |
[01 May 2003|09:27am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
bored |
] |
this week has been endless.
i'm through being sick, hopefully, though i'm really grateful to j and jl for taking such great care of me. thanks so much guys. i know i can be pretty whiny, i owe you, ne? ;)
lunch was really fun, j, even though i couldn't talk and even though you and twist kept teasing me the whole time. ;) i won't complain, though, it was just nice to hang out together, hear you reading jl for bringing paperwork to the table, see ll all blushing and laughing and maybe even squirming when twist started singing verses of his new ballad to the waiter. *g*
speaking of l, i think he has company. ran into this tall blonde guy in the hallway last night, i swear i didn't hear him coming! l, if you read this (which, somehow, i doubt... ^^), would you like me to plan something special for supper? i'm feeling up to it, just let me know.
no other news or anything, that i can think of, being sick is very boring, seriously.
i should be in good condition to practice this weekend, though i doubt i'll push it and work out or anything till next week.
later.
but first... ( hey! a quiz... )
yeah. okay. told you i was bored.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1){kind=small}
alteredbat's journal